What should you do with your reply guy?

A guy — we'll call him David but that's not his real name — just sent me a picture of his cat with a couple of small kittens by its side over Instagram DMs. "My cat gave birth a couple of weeks ago and had kittens," he tells me in a reply to one of my stories, a picture of my dog. It would be fair for you to think I know this person, but I don't. It's just some guy who replies to absolutely everything I post, both publicly and privately, even though he never gets a response. Above his cat, who is admittedly very cute, I can see the trail of unanswered messages spanning months, maybe even a year, behind this one. 

I wonder if I should reply to him. He's sent me so many messages, some of them detailed, and I've never replied beyond a sympathetic double-tap like here and an awkward "cheers mate!" there. Perhaps I should give him an actual response. 

But then I wonder if I should block him instead, because replying to everything a stranger does when you're not getting anything back is honestly a bit weird. 

Having a reply guy is pretty stressful. If you're unfamiliar with the phrase, it's like it sounds. A guy who replies. A guy who replies all the time. The reply guy is usually a man, and a woman seems to be the usual target, and they're a confusing phenomenon. 

What do the reply guys want? Are they flirting, trying to make friends, or do they have ill intentions? What led them to think incessant replying was a good way to do any of those things? What should we do about them — date them, tell them to piss off, or leave them to keep adding to your engagement rate? 

To better understand reply guys, Mashable enlisted the help of relationship therapists who detailed why reply guys do so much replying in the first place, and what we should do when faced with one. 

Why are reply guys like this? 

Ayo Adesioye, a therapist at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy describes a reply guy as someone who identifies a person of interest — often a woman — and consistently responds to their posts on social media. 

While not all interactions are problematic, the reply guy's behaviour is often intrusive, inappropriate, or irrelevant. 

"This is a pattern of behaviour that is persistent, intrusive, unwanted, and often, as we're about to see, masks a number of unmet needs," she explains. These needs, Adesioye believes, stem from a lack of emotional literacy, particularly among men. Many men struggle to identify and express their emotions or needs, leading them to seek validation and attention in ways that aren't always socially appropriate. Replying to every single post is, for them, a way to fulfil these unmet needs, even if they're not entirely aware of it.

The motivations behind a reply guy's behaviour can vary. Some are genuinely attempting to initiate a romantic connection, viewing their replies as a form of online dating. However, this strategy often falls short. 

Eloise Skinner, psychotherapist and author of But Are You Alive? tells Mashable, "When we decide who to date, it's normally based on a mix of characteristics: personality, background, appearance, sense of humour, general compatibility, etc." The problem with reply guys, she points out, is that they don't provide a context where these characteristics can be explored. Their interactions are reactive and one-sided, making it difficult to build a meaningful connection.

It's hard to understand exactly what your reply guy is looking to gain. Skinner explains there are lots of potential motivations behind the reply guy, but a consistent one might be a desire for attention. "The act of replying puts their voice into the conversation, and makes them more visible in the comments sections or DMs," she says. 

She adds that more specific reasons might include a desire for involvement, community or connection, a sense of expertise in the subject matter or a desire to contribute to a conversation, or a desire for closeness or intimacy with someone, or a group of people.

But there's also a darker side to the reply guy phenomenon. Adesioye suggests that some reply guys might be motivated by a desire for power and control. The mansplaining, condescension, and unsolicited advice that often accompany their comments can be indicative of this. "On the less benign end of the spectrum, some may be motivated by a desire for power and control," she warns. This behaviour is not just about getting attention; it's about asserting dominance in a space where they feel they have some authority.

So, should you date your reply guy? 

Both Adesioye and Skinner advise caution. There are some success stories out there. For instance, 42-year-old estate agent Ellen tells Mashable she met her partner because he was her reply guy. “The constant replying made me realise he was trying to get my attention and I asked him out. We have a great relationship that’s been going seven years now. No regrets,” she says. And the same can be said for 28-year-old copywriter Katherine, who tells Mashable she hooked up with her reply guy and it was the “best sex of my entire life”. 

Adesioye says that even though some have used it as a method of online dating, her suggestion is not to entertain reply guys because the persistence and one-sided nature of a reply guy's behaviour can carry over into a relationship, potentially leading to issues down the line.

If you're not interested in dating your reply guy, the question then becomes how to handle them. Should you block them, ghost them, or confront them? 

Skinner believes it depends on the individual and the situation. "For women who feel like it doesn't bother them, and if they feel safe or comfortable with the dynamic... it might be okay to leave it without acknowledgement," she says. However, for those who find the behaviour intrusive or uncomfortable, blocking is a perfectly acceptable strategy. Instagram, for example, now offers a "block all accounts" option, allowing you to block someone without them even knowing across all of their accounts as well as new accounts they may make in the future.

Adesioye, however, suggests a more hands-off approach: "Muting/ignoring/not communicating about the obsessive reply is the best strategy as what they're seeking is a response or some form of engagement from you that, once offered, may be difficult to extract yourself from." Reply guys may lack self-awareness, so even a gentle confrontation might not have the desired effect. The best approach might be to simply ignore them and hope they lose interest over time.

What if the replying gets weird?

Being a woman online is scary and sometimes this behaviour can escalate to online sexual harassment, something 38 percent of women across 51 countries have experienced according to a study by the UN. Both experts agree that your safety and well-being should always come first. 

Skinner advises that if you feel targeted or harassed, you should block or mute the person, report their behaviour if necessary, and seek support from friends or platform administrators. Unfortunately, only 1 in 4 women are found to report their sexual harassment to the platform moderators or to the authorities.  "It's important that you remember you're not responsible for taking care of them or the situation" she emphasises. "Your comfort and safety are key, and it's okay to prioritise your own well-being over someone else's feelings."

While reply guys might seem harmless at first, their behaviour can quickly become intrusive or even problematic. Whether you choose to engage, deter, or ignore them, it's essential to be mindful of your boundaries and prioritise your own comfort and safety. Make your next move based on what you want, not what you think you might owe someone. Many of us learn the hard way that not every online interaction is worth your time.